I've alluded to the possibility that I'm an asshole on more than one occassion. It's not me just trying to show a little humility for the sake of getting you to convince me of otherwise. I am stating what unfortunately, for the most part, is true.
I'm embarrassed to a large degree about exposing what we all know is a deep, dark, blogging secret which is admitting that there are some blogs that after reading for a while, we stop reading. For example, almost a year ago I started reading this blog and became a regular commentor there, as she did for me.
Then something happened. I stopped reading. I had caught her in a lie.
And she got pregnant.
I have told myself ever since that I stopped reading because of the lie. Morally, I couldn't relate. I felt betrayed because I took an "omission of fact" as a betrayal.
The thing is, I realize that I could have easily overlooked it, or even called her out on it, but I didn't. I had many excuses, and certainly the lie contributed to some of what I was feeling; however I think the reason I refused to reach back out was because of her pregnancy.
When I started blogging, the news of a positive pregnancy test didn't have near the impact on my heart as it does now. I had just one IUI and miscarriage under my belt, literally and figuratively. Time passed and all too quickly I had nothing but failed cycles and two more miscarriages to show for our efforts and I became more jaded.
Living with infertility and miscarriages is like living in a cave. It's cold. It's lonely, and usually there are limited ways of escaping. In this cave I stand, frozen by fear and uncertainty, under a staligmite of sadness. The tears, hardly noticeable at first in their consistent drips, start to dry and harden and build up layer upon layer until by the time I realize I have to take action, I've become heavy and brittle.
It's now about self-preservation. For those I have been reading since my beginnings that have finally found themselves pregnant, I will continue to read. But I regretfuly admit that out of self-preservation and my own sanity, I have chosen to stop reading many others. I even have gone so far on a blog I had just started reading to remove them from my bloglines because they had a very successful retrieval and transfer of some beautiful embryos and I just knew that they would probably get pregnant. The only way to relieve some of the guilt I felt was knowing that if it did fail, a couple of the other blogs I was still reading would post about the negative.
I know I'm not the only one who has been impacted in this way. I noticed that within days of my last pregnancy announcement, seven people unsubscribed from my blog in bloglines. I don't know who they were, and I don't know if since my miscarriage if they have come back. Either way I cannot find fault in their actions.
I apologize if any of you are offended by my admission. I'm not proud of my actions. They are truly selfish. I hold out hope that I will get past this, and I can see a dot of light from deep inside my little cave. It comes happily in the way of a card exchange. It comes most serendipitiously in the way of someone giving me an opportunity I never would have known about. It comes with complete surprise from strangers and friends alike who gather, and together, send me a gift that brings tears to my eyes and melts my heart.