no. 373 - Half Way

As you can see from a couple of my earlier posts (both here and at my other site), I'm just trying to let off steam. Nervous energy, I guess.

I've been very introspective because several blogs that I have read recently are taking note of how they are 16, 17, 18 weeks pregnant or so and I admittedly had to go back and count it off: I would have been 20 weeks this weekend.

20 weeks. The quickening would be easy to detect. I'd be wearing maternity clothes. I'd be shopping for nursery furniture. I'd be...happy, or at least happIER.

Instead, Wolf is dead. She died a long time ago. So did Vivienne. And the life that never made it beyond 5 weeks.

I want to leave the sadness of infertility behind, but I keep grappling, like I should keep giving it that ole' college try.

Infertility blogs represent the Goth in blogging... without the cool plaid school-girl skirt and eyebrow piercings.  I'm finding myself being drawn in more and more by the Goodys (or is it the Sluts?) clique in blogging. Places like Oh, The Joys and Mama Drama bring a smile and sometimes even a giggle or two. They make me wonder how day after day they find something humorous, yet so "normal", to write about.

Even now, with over two years of infertility treatments behind me, there are still some women out there who would find another category for me, and anyone else facing "secondary" (man, I hate that term!) infertility: a Poser, because once they see I already have a kid, they turn around without even a glance over their shoulder. It doesn't matter how many failed cycles, miscarriages, or tears I've gone through. Trust me, I know who some of them are.

But for now I'm keeping the Doc Martens and the studded cuffs. However, I hope you'll forgive me if every now and then I change into a pair of espadrilles and capris and take a cruise around my blog for a couple of days.

Comments

[Aurelia]

Would you understand if I said that I think "Infertility blogs represent the Goth in blogging" is perfect, yet I'm not sure I even understand it really...but it fits.

Well, if you're a poser, I'm definitely one. *Sigh* Whattaya say we share those Docs, and maybe I'll buy some espadrilles too?

[Tracy]

You know, I have to admit, I'm struggling with the concept that - if miraculously, you found out you were pregnant - you would suddenly be happy. Indicating that you're not now. You have a beautiful son. You have a husband who has gone through all of this with you, and is still by your side, despite infertility rocking some of the most solid relationships. You seem to have a comfortable lifestyle...and yet...the only thing that will make you happy in your life is another baby?

I'm sorry DD...and you can slam me for not really having gone through infertility and all you and others have...but if you're not happy with what you have now, how can you truly be happy with more?

[Adrienne]

Definitely not a poser - why do we have to experience pain and difficulty getting #1, so the pain and difficulty of getting #2 is respected? Ridiculous. But then I'm one of those "posers" who has one and has been trying desperately for another.

My thoughts are with you as you mark the day.

[Kath]

It's sad and amazing, really, when you start to think about the limits of compassion. I'm so sorry, sweetheart.

How I wish we could be celebrating that magical halfway point with you now.

[Soralis]

I wish I could say that I was always totally supportive of "secondary" IF'ers. I always felt bad for people going through this but I just didn't "get it" when I was suffering from primary IF. But after 11 or so years of primary IF resulted in a set of twins then the shoe moved to the other foot. Now I "get it". I suppose sometimes it's hard to see the other side until you have been there. That being said I always ached for those that suffered losses no matter what stage they were/are at, curious how this was different for me? But I ramble on!

I really hope that you do not have to suffer from secondary IF much longer and never have to experience another loss.

Thinking of you

[Oh, The Joys]

Did you just call me a slut? Heh. (I totally was a teenaged hoo-er so I can't really complain, but...you are too funny. -- and what is a Goody?)

[Heather]

Aren't they both your blocks? You are infertile and you are a mother. You are stuck in two worlds at once. Which is much more suckier than having only one block to roam.

[Artblog]

Absolutely, wholeheartidly with you here DD. You know that. I know exactly where you're coming from. I'll bet some of 'those" bloggers are on my list too!

AND, Tracy, your words "for not really having gone through infertility" says it all sweetie!

You'd have to be Soralis and have "the shoe moved to the other foot" to get it. God forbid, by the way, truely, not even my worst enemy! I'll show you a photo of my dead daughter if you like then we'll see who has a right to be unhappy or not!

Sorry DD, couldnt help it!

[Drowned Girl]

I guess I come into the same category!

[Jenny]

Man, first some guy calls me ugly...now I'm a slut. I'm having a hell of a week.

But seriously I do know what you mean. Sometimes I feel like I wear a mask...the happy funny one...when inside I don't always feel that way. We all get pigeon-holed. Don't make yours a pigeon-hole of sadness. You're so much larger than that.

I'm sending you hugs.

[Drowned Girl]

Also, my 6th mc last Sept would have given me a due date of mid-April.. so I'd have been.. oh... "quite a lot pregnant" by now.

And here I am, 7w pregnant again! But going nowhere, as usual.

I wholly sympathise.

[Leggy]

Ugh- it really does suck so much doesn't it? I can't think of you (or anyone else going through SIF) as a poser. Yes, IF is different when you are already a parent. But it doesn't take away the pain that there is a big gaping whole in your life, a part of your family that you feel is missing. Just because primary is in in many ways its own unique circle of hell, doesn't make secondary a bed of roses. Maybe secondary is only just one ring of fire further from the burning hot center of hell- I don't know. Its just a different, no less sucky, kind of pain.
I really truly wish that Wolf were still here and growing strong. It pains me that (as worried as I am about getting through this okay), that there are good friends out in blogland that I feel like have been left behind. How I wish there was something I could do to bring you, Beagle, and countless others along for the ride.
Tracy, I do hope you recognize that most people blog in part to vent frustration and its not always a true representation of how they feel about the rest of their lives. And yeah, when something huge is missing from your life, it makes you sad and depressed (speaking from experience). Doesn't mean you don't appreciate what you have already.
Sorry DD- I also couldn't help myself.

[Catizhere]

DD, it's posts like this that make my heart break for you. And it's posts like this that make me remember you in my prayers. You are so strong.

I can almost see you in your plaid school-girl skirt with the skull & crossbone thigh-high stockings!

[DD]

Tracy - I'm not going to slam you, but I thought I should elaborate. Even if I did find myself miraculously pregnant (I wanted to link to Mel's post at Stirrup Queens regarding "Miracles" but blogger is down), I certainly wouldn't be happier? Don't you remember what a basket case I was with Wolf? Every day was waiting for the shoe to drop. Infertility robs most women the joy that comes with a pregnancy.

I also qualified that I'd be happIER. HappIER because I wouldn't have to deal with another dead baby. Sure I'd probably have many other things to bitch about, and I hope I get the opportunity to do so. But for now, I can't think of anything that makes a woman more sad than to lose her child.

Oh, The Joys (Jessica) - Goody is a Goody-2-Shoes. You be the judge about being a slut. You're the one showing your waddle to world.

Jenny - you know I never thought of that. How you, Steph, Min might feel some pressure to always be "on", where I sometimes feel pressure to be "off". That was an eye-opener.

Leggy - I absolutley know you would do anything, and that's why I love you, my dear friend.

[Tinker]

Uh, thanks for the reminder. I've been avoiding most of the pregnancy blogs for exactly that reason. I would have been 21.5 weeks today. Crap.

I know the feeling of not quite fitting in because I already have a child, but at the same time the mommy blogs make me feel worse. We don't really fit well anywhere, do we? But 'Posers'? I don't know. Our struggle, pain and longing for another child is no less than for those without. I think that those who would label us that way are the same ones who compete for medals at the pain olympics. It's not a race in which we want to participate.

[Sami]

Definitely not a poser... however the two images of doc martens and studded cuffs vs the capris and espadrilles LOL... SIF and PIF both suck... but I think sometimes its harder to know what you're missing than not knowing (meaning SIF)... I don't know what I'm missing. I think I do, but not having been there and done that I don't.

Ultimately losing Wolf and Vivienne left a mark on you that most likely will never fade and while I wish you were holding Vivienne and Wolf I can't grant that wish. All I can do is hope for you that your maybe next time will be different. It's the same hope I have for myself.

[irshlas]

Definitely a thought provoking post here. I’ve followed your journey long enough (and dug into the archives) to feel as if I get the right to comment on your life. Aren’t blogs just grand? (We THINK we know you!)

I second everyone here who has said they wish you hadn’t suffered the loss of your children. Anyone who has experienced the pain of losing a child, at any stage in the game, can empathize with you. I think you WOULD be happier if Wolf was here. DUH – who on earth is happier after the death of a child?

I also admit that I rarely had compassion for SIF b/c in my own little world I kept thinking “Shut up - at least you HAVE a child!” Obviously, my thoughts have changed. Getting to “know” people and listen to their stories has taught me that pain is pain. Mine is no deeper than yours is no deeper than hers is no deeper than hers. We all have our own private hells. I try to think of it in the context of Dante.. Leggy is right, we’re all perched in our particular circle of fire!

Funny that your post comes along now. I haven’t written much about my IF struggles because I’ve focused on the positives of the upcoming adoption of my son. Now, though, that the journey to bring him home is almost complete, it begs the question: where do I fit now? Will I be where you find yourself? I will be a mother and have a child, but I’m still an IFer. I still have the loss of my first two children. I still have yet to give birth. I still am unable to sustain a pregnancy. Am I now that woman who should “shut the hell up” b/c I have a child? Funny how perspective changes when you’re seeing it with a fresh pair of eyes.

[baggage]

I'm really sorry.

But if you are a poser as a "SIF" then what I am? I'm halfway infertile? But I have a kid? Even though she is adopted? I don't fit in anywhere.

I'm like the goth kid who buys their clothes at Hot Topic.

[Linda]

God DD, you say so eloquently what I think it's scary.

To add to my guilt/timidness/uncertainty/feeling of not fitting in...I have a son, who is a miracle in his own right, but I haven't suffered the loss of a pregnancy. Yet in another way, I missed out on a large part of it.

"knowing what I'm missing"
that
right there
is
the
hurt

*sigh*

[ewe_are_here]

I'm sorry.

I have friends who are struggling/have struggled with infertility, secondary infertility, and multiple miscarriages. And all I can say is I'm sorry and listen to them. It never feels like enough sometimes.

[Diana]

I hide behind a mask, because I have been off birth control for over a year and a half and my husband and I are walking hormones, and nothing. I don't think I want to admit that we've been trying just to not deal with the pain again. I have a beautiful healthy son (with crushed fingers thanx to me) and have gone thru two miscarraiges myself. I would totally walk around the two blocks with you. I find it hard to read some pregnant blogs, too. I stick to the people that make me laugh and I can do the same for. That way if they become pregnant, I don't hate them too much.
Can't say too much for my newly preggo SIL who gets daggers from me every time she shows up at my house.
Did this make any sense? Because reading it back, it doesn't make sense to me and I want to erase it...

[DD]

Diana - I'm glad you didn't erase it because it totally makes sense to me, especially about reading blogs that make me feel happy. That's why sometimes I just don't feel like posting ANOTHER depressing post because don't we all get enough of the dark, deep stuff in our own lives?

Of course, no one could ever say I'm the Comedian de' Infertile, either.

[Diana]

I think your toilet paper post hooked me. You're funny in my book. ;)

[Alli]

Ditch the Docs! :)

I'm so sorry for the losses you have suffered. It is nice to know you have the experience of being a mother, but it doesn't diminish the losses you experience.

{{hugs}}

[chris]

I've discovered food blogging. Oh, and porn. Just kidding. But the food bloggin is always cheerful.

Sorry about the cycle. And everything. It blows.

Take care.