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no. 525 - BFF, Michelle

My mom called me last night and asked if I remember Michelle, my first BFF in grade school. Of course, I told her, even though I haven't thought of her in years or talked to her in a couple of decades.

We were inseparable as young children, but then she moved away and the once a summer visits dwindled away. Several girlishly written letters a month turned to birthday and Christmas cards and then even they were forgotten.

Michelle has been diagnosed with breast cancer and her prognosis is poor.

Even though my emotional attachment to her faded long ago, the realization that someone my age with an eight year old daughter may not spend another year with her family makes my breath catch.

Coincidently, earlier this week, Amanda sent an email to me and several bloggers that contained a link that helps provide free mammograms to women in need. With each click on the button, 100% of fees from site sponsorships pays for mammograms. There's no log-in, no internet forms to complete. It seemed so effortless, so simple that I spent some time on the site yesterday looking for disclaimers.

I went ahead and added the button to my site (if you are reading through bloglines or google, you will have to step on in...no peeking through the window blinds...).  Of course, if you want, there is a Store to purchase items, or sign up to contribute directly, and even links to other charitable causes, if one is so inclined.

Pushing that button once a day won't save Michelle's life. It won't prevent her young daughter from losing her Mom much too soon. But it may save another daughter from losing her Mother. It may save a Mother from losing her daughter. It may save someone's sister, or aunt, or cousin.

Isn't knowing that it could save anyone's life worth a minute of yours?

no. 446 - Prostrate Specific Antigen & other PSAs.

A tick was found on the back of my son's ear last night. I made him get out of bed so Mr. DD could pull it off and destroy it. It gave me quite the huzz and I swear I could hear the rrrripppp as he pulled it out. The site bled a little, too. When I told X that ticks eat blood, he asked, "Until I'm dead?"

Not surprisingly, he was in our bed early morn from nightmares.

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I'm not so sure about reader. google. It seems really slow on the update with some posts (like one to two full days compared to bloglines). I like how it flows from one post to another, but for me, since I have my bloglines sorted by category (which you can do with GR, too), it's not uncommon to get kamikaze-ed by a pregnancy post directly after an announcement of an impending miscarriage post.

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I know of a lovely lady who has a cache of stims and related assortment of supplies she would like to get rid of at a significant discount (65% give or take). It includes the FSH and the pen, trigger and PIO with the earliest expiration Aug 08. Retail at the pharmacy would probably set you back a couple grand or more so if you think you'll be cycling before next summer and want put the savings towards an outrageously priced stroller, which will most assuredly not only get puked - as well as pooped in and on - send me an email for details at ddknocked at yahoo dot com (email link is on the right, top sidebar).

I need someone to let me know before the end of my 2WW (June 3) so I'm not tempted to get them for myself.

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Lastly, but certainly not leastly:

Schmutzie from Milkmoney or Not received her diagnosis that started with an abnormal pap: cervical cancer.

I am completely blown away. Schmutzie is a writer, a photographer, and a poet; therefore when the rare post that pops up about vaginas, I'm taken aback and reminded that she is young woman and wife.

She has created a Cockroll as a symbol of the strength needed to take this journey. If you're not quite what to say in her comments section, send her your cock.

no. 438 - Two

In 2005, May 8th was Mother's Day here in the US.

It was Vivienne's due date.

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Image from art.com, "Missing You" by Raven La Fontaine

no. 361 - Housekeeping

I've been doing some housekeeping on my blog. I took away the categories because some of you are busy getting pregnant and birthing babies and then many of you were in multiple categories and of course let's not forget to factor in my laziness.

So there.

Please, if you see your link, make sure it goes to your site. I was starting to get a little cross-eyed. If you do not see your link, well then, it has to be because you need to let me know you have a blog you would like me to add. Simple, no?

****** UPDATED: Apparently, the only "simple" thing around here is me. As Statia pointed out, many of the links came back to me. Trust me, the fuck-up was unintentional. ****************

I was also busy with my own categories as I felt the quirky titles were fine for me, but they hardly do visitors much good. I've been busy. It does help that a winter storm, with snow! mind you finally came to fruition. It kept me from running into town for shopping and errands, but it also kept X inside as he attempts to replace every one of my professionally dyed, blond hair with either gray, dark gray, and white strands of limpless locks.

Catching up on my reading this weekend was a simple joy, however I need to point out some special people who could use a little extra attention and encouragement. Trish found out that her Dad has prostate cancer; and then there's Kellie's Dad has now had his foot amputated and his hospital stay continues with no easily apparent end in sight. And finally both Alexa and Dr. Spouse are having to hold out over long weekends for Tuesday to arrive with some definitive news.

no. 337 - There's Been A Great Disturbance in the Force

Not only has TypePad been a little unruly lately, Blogger still haunts my attempts to blog.

If you have the beta Blogger and you noticed lil ole me hanging out, more than likely I have tried to comment but Blogger will not recognize me with my old Knocked Up account info; nor with my newer TKO account info so I haven't been able to offer what little wit or comfort I may possess. Plus, it won't let me even if I try anonymously or as "Other". I have no idea what the problem is so if someone out there can confirm that it's not me, it's Blogger, I would feel so much better about myself.

And on a very serious note, I have to say I am very sorry to see that Karen from Naked Ovary has succumbed to the jackals of the internet and closed up her blog. Whether you agreed with her views or not, no one should have to take that kind of virtual abuse. It makes me sad that she's gone, but it really makes me even more sad knowing that there are people out there, and lots of them, who feel good about themselves because of it.

no. 309 - Kellie

I couldn't sleep so I got up early for my appointment and decided to catch up on my bloglines. I was thunderstruck when I read Kellie's update and right now any of my problems seem trivial. Please stop by and offer her some support and love.

no. 299 - An Angry Post

I have to admit that this has been one of the worst weeks I have ever had as far as my anxiety levels go. The dreaded two week-wait has nothing on this time. I have never felt so in limbo as I did this few days. And more than ever, I have an absolute burning hatred for what infertility has done to me. What it's done to Mr. DD.

Someone wanted to know how Mr. DD is taking this. He sent me another email Sunday night and I won't give any of the details because he asked me not to. But last night he mentioned how he woke up in the middle of the night and the first thought that came to his mind was, "this is not my baby and I will never love it the same as my own child." He told me that he thinks it was some residual thoughts from a nightmare, but it weighed so heavily on him, it was hours before he fell back asleep.

Having donor sperm did not do this to him. Low beta numbers did not do this to him. Spending thousands of dollars did not do this to him. Losing pregnancies did not do this to him. FUCKING INFERTILITY did this to him!

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I'm sure most of you by now have seen this post from Julie. I really didn't give it much thought until I read this post. She says in her last paragraph, "This will be my last post here. I will not be visiting other blogs much. It’s too much like hanging out with a bunch of drinkers when you just joined AA. It is too painful for me. I need to quit cold turkey and figure out what I am going to do next. " and the hypothetical question Julie asked was answered.

Infertility did this, too. We are use to the broken hearts, but broken spirits? We're supposed to be stronger in spite of infertility, aren't we?

Can you tell I'm angry? I thought I was part of the solution, sharing my story; a survivor; a recovering infertile even if that meant I never get pregnant again. But I'm not. It's quite possible that I am my own worst enemy. Patricia has a point: we are in many ways, enablers. I ask these rhetorical questions: Are infertility bloggers more inclined to continue treatments than those who don't blog? Is it a "trying to keep up with the Joneses" mentality?

Would I be as obsessive about number of days post-ovulation, or beta levels if I had never delved into blogging? Is it possible that right now, instead of refusing to feel one iota of excitement and hopeful that I am (in a technical sense) pregnant today, that I would have been already sharing "happy" news with family and friends and shopping on line for nursery items if it hadn't been for the daily reminders of how quickly good news can turn to shit?

no. 289 - BlogSpot PSA and Bloggity Love

For those of you who have Blogger, if you haven't switched over to Blogger Beta yet, for the love of all that is holy - DON'T DO IT!

I swear there are like a bazillion pop-ups when you want to post a comment:

"Are you sure you want to see the unsecured items?"

"Are you really, really sure?"

"Are you positive, 'cause only fools are positive?"

"Are you sure your comment is really as insightful/funny as you want it to be?"

"Are you sure you put your underwear on correctly this morning (yes, I did!)?"

And if you are lucky enough to get past all the pop-ups for security, make sure you have copied your comment first, because the likelihood getting an error is 50/50, which means you have to start all over.

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I was over at Rachel's and we have decided to go trick-r-treating together. Don't you just love the idea for our costumes?

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Little LL was born Friday to MM. I certainly hope the birth-story wasn't as hair-raising as her pregnancy-story. Make sure to congratulate her and her family. *smooches* MM!

no. 277 - Of Course I Couldn't Stay Away...Who Was I Kidding?

I'm wrapping up what I think was a rather adreniline filled day:

• I got flamed on another blog, which really is remarkable since normally steer myself away from all things political
• I finally got to see what all the fuss was about on Grey's Anatomy (remember? I missed the last episode?)
• You know the saying "The Third Time is a Charm"? Well, Jennifer decided to take that idea to the Extreme x 3
• Suzanne, who resisted the coy callings of the pee stick, received the kind of news that makes me insanely happy
• Tomorrow morning I will be seen by my clinic for the first time in over four months for my baseline ultrasound and blood work

I'm now going to try to get some sleep so I can wake up early enough to shave away my five o'clock shadow.

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And now I'm pissed: I just found out that Tuesday Girl just lost her pregnancy.

No. 202 - A Visual

This is how I feel right now about Hope fucking with Pamplemousse, Thalia and Cricket and the dreams they had for the future.

This week has sucked and it's only Wednesday.

I want to hear good news, feel envious everytime I read their blogs and know that things worked out when there's the Happy and never an Ending.

I am so, so sorry, ladies. My heart is aching, but I know it's nothing compared to the pain from your loss.