no. 315 - November

A year ago I was drafting my memoriam to Vivienne. November 10, 2005 marked the one year that had passed since I had found out she was gone. With those two posts, I intended to share that memory on the anniversary of the D&C. It was to help me NOT forget how painful that experience was and hopefully each subsequent year, I could go back to them and read and the pain would be a little less each time and I would know I was healing from that loss.

Last week when I found out I could finally be cautiously optimistic about this pregnancy, I started to believe that it would bring some much needed balm to the hurt that was still very much there.

Today I realized that nothing will ever take away that pain. How could it when it's centered on an emptiness; a deep, fathomless void that no pregnancy could fill?

November of next year will mark Vivienne's third year not here with us, and it will mark Wolf's first year not here with us.

When my RE did the scan, she told me, "This is not going to end the way we want it to." Wolf's heart is still beating, but barely. He has not grown over the week. The yolk sac is enlarged. It's inevitable...Wolf is dying and it won't be much longer.

No, there is no hope. None. The only thing between now and an immediate D&C is that Wolf's heart must not be beating. My doctor predicts by Monday, it will be over. I will be 8w2 days not pregnant.

There is nothing that I, or Mr. DD, or you, or God, or Mother Nature can do to change this. Nothing to do but cry until I am numb.

Comments

[Erin]

DD, I'm so sorry that this is happening to you. I wish there was something we could do to calm this hurt. I'm thinking of you today.

[Donielle]

Oh DD. My heart is broken for you. I'm so very sorry that you have to experience another horrible loss.

You will be in my thoughts and prayers. Please take care of yourself.

[Tracie]

This is just so unfair. My heart breaks for you for the loss and pain you are going through. Remember we're "here" for you if you need us.

[Wavery]

Oh DD, damnit. I'm as sorry as I can be.

[Lala]

oh dear, oh Wolf....oh damn.

[Casey]

Fuck.

DD, the very same thing happened to me during my last pregnancy. Enlarged yolk sac, lost heartbeat. It doesn't mean that I think I know what you're going through. Your pain and loss are yours alone; I want to honor that.

But at the same time, I want to feel like I can share it with you, somehow, someway. Maybe to take some of the burden off your shoulders; mostly, I guess, to make me feel better (though I am searching for a way to make you feel better).

I am very sorry. It is crushing. Cry, cry, cry...don't keep it in, don't worry about hiding your emotions now. These babies, grown to finite weeks and days, are precious beings to us, if no one else. So you must cry for Wolf. And yourself.

And I'm crying with you.

[K&M]

Oh DD, I am so sorry. I really wish there was something I could do to help you through this and to ease this pain. I'm here if you need me.

[Jennifer]

DD ~

I am so very sorry. You are always in my thoughts and prayers. I wish I could take this away from you.

[LC]

DD- I'm devastated for you. I'm sorry doesn't begin to cover it. We'll all be thinking of you and hoping our thoughts help in some small way. Love and hugs- Leslie

[karen]

DD, I wanted this so much for you. Please know that I am thinking of you, and crying with you.

[Menita]

This is devastating, on so many levels. I am so sorry. I'd hoped so much that this would work.

[Jessie]

I am so sorry, DD.

[Alexa]

Oh DD. I am so terribly sorry. My thoughts are with you.

[baggage]

I am so so unbelievably sorry. I am crying for you and will be thinking about you. I am so sorry.

[Cricket]

It's all too much, so much to mourn. I am so sorry.

[mm]

Oh no. No no no.

[Rachel]

Oh no.

I am so very sorry. This just isn't fair.

[Milenka]

I am so, so sorry.

[Kim]

I'm so sorry. My deepest sympathies.

[S.]

I am so sorry.

[Dooneybug]

Oh honey....I'm just hurting so much for you. I don't know what else can be said but, I'm sorry. Have yourself a good cry, for as long as you need...

[thalia]

Well that just fucking sucks. I know you tried so hard not to hope but it just must hurt so much, DD I'm just terribly, terribly sorry.

[JJ]

Another heart broken on your behalf. I'm so sorry.

[hopefulmother]

DD - I am incredibly sad with you and so, so sorry. {HUGS}

[Summer]

No, no, no...

I so wanted this to end differently for you.

[Vicky]

I'm very sorry for you, I just started reading your blog but was so excited when you saw a heartbeat. I found out I'm probably having a miscarriage right now, I won't know for sure until tomorrow when I get the results from my second beta.

Anyway just thinking of you.

[soralis]

So very sorry. :(

[Josie]

So sorry. So, so sorry.

I really was hoping for a different turn of events for you and Mr. DD.

[Erin]

Oh DD, my heart is breaking for you. I am just devastated that you are going through this loss. There are no words to make any sense of such a terrible thing.

[Heather]

Oh crap, DD I'm so sorry.
This just sucks.

[Suz]

My heart just broke on reading this. I'm so sorry.

[Stacy]

I'm so sorry. Shitbags.

[Kate]

I'm so, so sorry. Mental hugs, although I know it doesn't mean much right now.

[Dead Bug]

I am so sorry for your loss.

--Bugs

[Midori]

Oh DD, I am in tears reading your post. I am so sorry that this has happened and you have to go through the pain of it all.

[beagle]

I'm so very sorry for your losses and the pain they bring with them.

[Jen]

I'm so very sorry.

[Michelle]

I am so so sorry you are going through this DD.

[Meira Voirdire]

So, so sorry . . .

[kimberly/Tippy Toes]

I am so sorry. There are few things as painful as knowing a little person inside of you is not going to make it.

[Jenny]

My heart is breaking for you. I'd do almost anything to fix this for you. I'm so sorry.

I'm hugging you and wolf with my heart.

[Leggy]

Damn, I'm sorry. I was working all day and missed this- I am so incredibly sorry. I wish there was something I could say or do to make this somewhat more bearable. Just know that I care and am thinking of you.

[artsweet]

Damn! Damn! Damn!

So very sorry DD.

[liz]

I am so sorry. I am thinking of you and your family.

[irshlas]

I've got nothing good to say. And nothing said will make it better. If numb is better than feeling pain, be numb. We're crying with you and for you.

[Gretchen]

Oh, no. Words are inadequate. I'm so sorry.

[Amanda]

Damn. I'm so incredibly sorry.

Things like this happening to you makes me question why God would place a child in families that don't want them, don't know how or ever want to love kids, or are just too unstable as a wife and husband [like I personally see everyday at work] to even consider being responsible and loving to a child.

I just don't get it. It's complete and utter bullshit that the universe can't fulfill what it has been taunting you with for years.

[Nico]

Oh, DD! I'm crying with you too. I really thought that Wolfie was with us for the long haul. I'm so sorry that it looks like he's not.

[trish]

DD,
I'm so sad and broken hearted with you.
Much love, support, whatever, whenever you need to help you through this.
You will be ok. I promise.
We all love you so much and are here for you.

[Julie]

Shit, DD. I'm so sorry. I know there's nothing I can say to make a dent in your pain, but I understand, and I ache with you. This is fucking ridiculous.