Today I had my blood drawn to check my progesterone since I was told to discontinue the PIO temporarily. That's what I was told last Thursday. When I asked about another beta, they said it wouldn't be necessary.
I second-guessed that decision up until 30 minutes before my draw when I called the clinic to ask them to add the beta to the orders.
I had almost convinced myself that with the numbers looking good from last week, and an ultrasound coming up next week, I could blissfully go about my days admiring how full my breasts seem to have gotten compared to when I was pregnant with Wolf and that all the mild cramping were signs of something growing.
Apparently I have Pseudocyesis.
The clinic agreed to add the beta to the order.
My beta on Thursday was 100.
Today it was 125.
Pregnancy No. 5 will be ending about the time I leave for my vacation, if not while on vacation.
Pregnancy no. 5 will be ending around Wolf's due date.
Happy 40th Birthday to me.
Fuck you, God.
OH DD. I had so hope things were different this time.
Posted by: Tracy | June 05, 2007 at 11:12 AM
NOOOOOO!!!! That is not how it was supposed to work! Maybe it was wrong, the forgot a zero, or two? No, no, no! This can't happen.
Posted by: Shanna | June 05, 2007 at 11:25 AM
No, no, no. DD, I am so sorry. We all wanted something different for you. This is so unfair! And horrible!
Posted by: hopefulmother | June 05, 2007 at 11:56 AM
I'm so sorry.
Posted by: karen | June 05, 2007 at 12:18 PM
Oh DD. When I read your angry "prayer" I was moved to cry. I know that rage.
Not fair. Tragically unfair.
You're in my thoughts. I wish I could be there to comfort you.
Posted by: Spanglish | June 05, 2007 at 12:36 PM
I cannot tell you just how sorry I am. Know that I have been thinking about you and had so hoped that things were changing.
Posted by: Jennifer | June 05, 2007 at 12:51 PM
Oh DD,
I'm so sorry.
That sounds so comletely lame and pathetic, but please know that I say it very heartfelt and I wish I was able to give you a hug right now. I'm crying for you.
Love to you,
Cat
Posted by: Catizhere | June 05, 2007 at 12:55 PM
I am so so sorry.
Posted by: baggage | June 05, 2007 at 01:05 PM
I cannot believe this is happening to you. I am so sorry to hear this awful news.
Posted by: Erika, Plain Jane Mom | June 05, 2007 at 01:15 PM
Oh DD, I am so, so sorry. Damn it all.
I know the answer is probably "no", but is there anything I can do?
Oh crap.
DinoD
Posted by: DinoD | June 05, 2007 at 01:23 PM
shit.
Posted by: chrissy s | June 05, 2007 at 01:25 PM
Damn.
Posted by: Scissorbill | June 05, 2007 at 01:40 PM
I know there's not much, if anything, one can say that's comforting right now, but still I'm so so sorry. That really sucks!
Posted by: Bean | June 05, 2007 at 01:58 PM
I am so incredibly sorry, DD.
Posted by: kati | June 05, 2007 at 01:59 PM
Words defy a fifth loss. One that comes so close to Wolf's due date. Just know that I'm thinking of you. And I'm so sorry. And I wish I lived closer because I would be by with homemade bread and a long cry.
Posted by: Mel | June 05, 2007 at 02:13 PM
Wow, I am so sorry. Nothing I can say will make you feel better, I know that.
I wish we lived closer, I would join you in a drink or 34.
Posted by: Tuesday | June 05, 2007 at 02:23 PM
I'm sorry to hear this. Very sorry. Love to you.
Posted by: Angela | June 05, 2007 at 02:27 PM
Oh no, oh no, DD. I'm sorry.
Posted by: Summer | June 05, 2007 at 03:03 PM
NO, no no no! I wish that any words I had to say would be a comfort or change things. I'm so sorry!
Posted by: Linda | June 05, 2007 at 03:16 PM
I am so sorry, DD.
Posted by: Kellie | June 05, 2007 at 03:39 PM
excuse me but FUCK
Posted by: Lala | June 05, 2007 at 03:42 PM
I can't think of anything to say except that I'm mad as hell at the universe on your behalf. Damn damn damn.
Posted by: dawn | June 05, 2007 at 03:48 PM
Damn, damn, damn. I'm so sorry....
Posted by: Leggy | June 05, 2007 at 04:39 PM
What the fuck? This is so not fair and I'm so sorry.
Posted by: TB | June 05, 2007 at 04:57 PM
Aw hell.
hell hell hell
I'm so sorry. It's all so incredibly unfair.
Posted by: ewe_are_here | June 05, 2007 at 05:28 PM
Fuck.
I am so so sorry.
Posted by: Jo | June 05, 2007 at 05:37 PM
Damnit... sorry my tourrettes kicked in a bit.
I'm sorry - this sucks so bad and is so unfair. However I know you know this already. Is there anything I can do? Do you need me to go pummel a coworker? I can do that for you... I wish I could make all this right. Hell... Know I'm thinking of you.
Posted by: Sami | June 05, 2007 at 05:50 PM
Oh god, DD. I'm just so sorry. There are no words.
Posted by: Bittermama | June 05, 2007 at 06:07 PM
I'm so freaking sorry. Just so sorry. I hate this crappy news. Damn.
Posted by: millie | June 05, 2007 at 06:49 PM
I am so sorry, DD. This is terribly, terribly unfair. I am thinking of you and also angry with God about this
Posted by: Mary Scarlet | June 05, 2007 at 07:03 PM
Shit. Shit, shit, shit, shit, SHIT!
(It's not fair.) ((HUG))
Posted by: Steph | June 05, 2007 at 07:24 PM
Fuck you, God, indeed.
I am so sorry.
Posted by: Meira | June 05, 2007 at 07:37 PM
No NO NO NO NO! This can't be happening. I am so very sorry. I wish I could take away your pain and give you your baby.
HUGS!
Posted by: Sunny | June 05, 2007 at 07:48 PM
DD, I am so sorry. It is all too much at once.
Posted by: Cricket | June 05, 2007 at 07:54 PM
Damn it all to hell. I am so sorry. I wish I could come over and give you a big hug and a large glass of something alcoholic. Heck, I'd smoke something with ya if I had it.
Posted by: K&M | June 05, 2007 at 07:56 PM
Fuckity Fuck Fuck Fuck. FUCK!
DD I am so incredibly sorry. This is just.not.fair.
Posted by: Nico | June 05, 2007 at 08:02 PM
Damn it! I'm so sorry sweetie.
Posted by: Catherine | June 05, 2007 at 08:12 PM
Fuckity fuck. I'm so sorry DD.
Posted by: LC | June 05, 2007 at 08:18 PM
DD, I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry honey. I wish there was a way to make it right.
Posted by: Dooneybug | June 05, 2007 at 08:39 PM
This shouldn't happen. Therefore, I'll never understand why it keeps happening.
I'm so sorry.
Posted by: niobe | June 05, 2007 at 09:03 PM
Motherfucker doesn't begin to cut it today. This news is no match for even my strongest expletive.
I'm so very sorry.
Posted by: mm | June 05, 2007 at 09:23 PM
I'm sorry DD, this is so completely awful and sucky, I'm not sure what to say. This is crap...
Posted by: Aurelia | June 05, 2007 at 09:26 PM
Oh Shit DD I am just catching up. I am so damn sorry. It is so unfair. Sending you a hug.
Posted by: Mary Ellen | June 05, 2007 at 09:36 PM
I'm sorry sweety. Are you vacationing in the South? Maybe we can meet on the beach and commisserate together over a few gallons of wine. I'm sorry.
Posted by: Liv | June 05, 2007 at 09:47 PM
Unbelievable. And so not fair. Crap.
Posted by: Tinker | June 05, 2007 at 10:37 PM
Fuck. I can't tell you how truly sorry I am DD. Hollow words, but I'm sorry and mightily pissed off that you are going through this yet again. Thinking of you...
Posted by: MsPrufrock | June 06, 2007 at 01:27 AM
Oh God, DD, no. No.
Posted by: Kath | June 06, 2007 at 03:14 AM
I know it doesn't help or change things but man I am so sorry DD.
Posted by: Michelle | June 06, 2007 at 03:15 AM
Fuck. I'm definitely not the crying type, but right now there's some wet stuff in my eyes - I'm frustrated and angry....
DD, I'm sorry....
xxx
Posted by: Patience | June 06, 2007 at 05:02 AM
No, no, no, no, no. Fuck it. Fuck. I'm gutted for you.
Posted by: Feebee | June 06, 2007 at 06:12 AM